Simply Irresistible

Continuing with my X-Files theme on earthly people the duo is faced with. As promised here is my blog about Donnie Pfaster. The episode opens with the funeral of a school girl and then cuts to the funeral home where a character is cutting the hair on the corpse of the school girl. This is Donnie who is played with chilling realism by Nick Chinlund who also starred in Con Air with Nicolas Cage and company.

The pair is called in when the agent in charge of the investigation brings them to a graveside desecration, and he suspects that there are super natural forces at work. But Mulder quickly realises that a person is responsible. This is the first time we witness Scully's fragility and humanness. I don't no where the inspiration for this episode came from, but around the time this episode was written there were cases of bodies being stolen from graveyards, for reasons that were never determined.

Mulder quickly tells the man in charge to issue a city wide warning that there could be an escalating fetishist operating in the area. Who may go from defiling the dead to carrying out homicide to aid him in his perversion of cutting the hair and nails from the dead. Sure enough Pfaster does exactly what Fox had predicted and he kills a working girl for his evil intentions. Chinlund plays this character almost like a child who is searching for something but does not know what. He is studying at night school and gets arrested for attempting to attack one of his classmates. And Agent Box thinks he has the perpetrator in custody after a working girl had cut his face with a blade. Here in the lock up Pfaster sets his sights on his next victim who turns out to be Agent Scully.

Scully returns to Washington with body of the dead prostitute to see if they can pull any prints from it. They find a latent print on the fingernail and Scully returns to meet up with Mulder and Box to continue with the manhunt. As she leaves the airport in her rental car she is forced of the road by the maniac in question and abducted. At this point Scully starts having flash backs of her abduction experiences. She sees Pfaster as one of the aliens, a grotesque looking demonised character that he actually turns out to be.

After some research Agents Mulder and Box discover that Pfaster is driving around in his mother's old car and that she has a property in the area. They then go and raid the place and find that Scully is trying to fight of her attacker. This episode is one of the most disturbing because it depicts us at our most primeval. Displaying man's most basic and primitive instincts that show our true animal form can be realised and indeed personified.

This episode, as with the episode about Toombs has another well defined soundtrack, composed by Mark Snow. It also has one of the best Mulder monologues at the end of the episode where he tries to explain Pfaster's motives and how he became the monster he is. Simply saying "The only thing extraordinary about Donnie Pfaster was his ordinariness"

A Speeding Fool

The Christmas Movie

Last night the BBC showed the film speed. And even though I must have seen it a dozen times or more, I had to watch from start to finish. The cast was excellent. Keanu Reeves is watchable in all the films he does. And Sandra Bullock played her character well, but I think the standout performance came from Dennis Hopper.

This film had all that you would expect from an action movie of the early nineties. It opened with the hostages caught in the lift and this sequence was well executed by Jan De Bont. I believe this was the first feature film he made, but he had a good background in this movie genre because he was John McTiernean’s director of photography on Die Hard. And he also made Tomb Raider II which was better than the first Tomb Raider film. The highlight of the opening sequence was when Reeves was lowered down the elevator shaft and attached the hook to the car. Then there was that bit when he and Jeff Daniels face off with Hopper in the corridor.

But the film is most famous for its bus sequence which had it all, Reeves chasing it down the freeway and then boarding it at high speed. Then there was that bit when the bus had to make that hard right turn and went round that corner on set of wheels. It also had the bit when the driver was taken off the bus and then Hooper blew the step out and killed that woman who was trying to get off. The best part of this section of the film was when the bus had to make that jump across the unfinished section of the freeway.

Once the bus left the freeway they entered the airport and Reeves then tries to deactivate the bomb whilst the bus is still in motion. He gets on this cart thing that is being towed by a truck and goes under the speeding bus. He obviously fails, and gets caught under said bus and ruptures the fuel tank. He then gets dragged back into the bus.

Once all of the passengers have been removed from the bus it’s time to evacuate Bullock and this is done by turning on of the buses inspection covers into a sledge and her and Reeves lower themselves out from under the bus and flee the scene to relative safety. The bus then crashes into a plane and gets engulfed in flames.

At this point the movie loses its way a little and the action moves to one of LA’s subways and basically recreates the bus sequence but underground. But apart from this, this movie was an all round enjoyable action adventure.

Keanu Reeve

The film also benefited from having it's script reworked by Joss Whedon of Buffy fame. This movie really did exactly what it said on the tin. So my Christmas day was finished off well, with this entertaining movie.

Lost in Space

Top Fives

If you ever got stranded in space and there was little hope of rescue what five items would you least like to live without? I have been thinking about this a lot recently and have compiled five items from three different lists. The First being gadgets you can’t live without. The second five books that you must have. Your five favourite games.

Gadgets you can’t live without.

1. MP3 player because I would go insane without being able to listen to music.
2. Laptop with wireless internet just so I could send a mayday message and check my email.
3. Mobile phone so I can tweet on the go, when I’m wandering around my spaceship.
4. Alarm clock
5. Digital camera to visually document the whole caper.

Five must have books.

1. Apollo 13 The Lost Moon. As a reminder that rescue and safe return could be possible.
2. Any Sherlock Holmes Novel. Just because they are good reads.
3. The Bible, no reason just might need something to read as a last resort.
4. The Warren Commission Report. The best work of fiction ever written.
5. Of Mice and Men. Will have enough time on my hands and might eventually find out what happens at the end.

Five must have games

1. Monopoly because everybody has it in their collection
2. Chess so I can learn to play properly
3. Pool or Snooker
4. Poker set with cards included
5. Scrabble

I deliberately did not include top five must have albums because if you have an mp3 player I would presume you would have your favourite music on it anyway. That’s what I would do. There are other categories I could have chosen but I decided on the above because if I were going on a long distance voyage and the items listed would be what I would miss the most.

The X- Files

After having re-watched a host of American TV shows, my televisual marathon has brought me back to one of my favourites from the 1990's. The one that stars messers Duchovny and Anderson. I had forgotten just how good the writing was on the show. It kicked off with the pilot episode, which was as good as any pilot I have watched. But the outstanding story of the first four episodes is the one called Squeeze.

It is set in Baltimore and features a truly gross theme. About a mutant who hibernates, then after thirty years sleep, he wakes up and goes on a killing spree. Extracting the livers of the poor people he kills. He then eats his victims livers. Now this is truly as gruesome a storyline as you can get, not Silence of the Lambs gruesome, but certainly a 6 on the barf factor scale. But the bad guy that Mulder and Scully are chasing is also genetically freaky. He can contort his body so he can navigate air-conditioning units and chimnies etc. The bad bastard the heroes are chasing is Eugene Victor Toombs played by Doug Hutchinson, who has played strange characters in other series as well. There was an episode of CSI where he stalks Nick Stokes. Hutchinson was excellent in the roll of the mutant.

Doug Hutchinson as Toombs.

But not only is the story well written and acted it is made even more chilling by the excellent music written by Mark Snow. He captures brilliantly the mood of the episode. I must have watched the episode at least a dozen times but it hasn't lost any of the suspense that I remember from when it was first aired. It is also visually very good especially when Toombs is stalking his prey, the victim stays in colour and the background goes grayscale. Also Toombs's eyes goes this horrible luminescent yellow green colour. Which just makes him seem all the more weird. But in Xfiles lore he achieved his own status as one of the best baddies the heroes chase and has a return episode before the first season had finished. The only characters I can think of who reappear in season 1 are Cigarette Smoking Man and Deep Throat.

Then something I had also forgotten about the Xfiles is the child at the end of the credits who says I made this. But that doesn't have any bearing on how good this story was. It was also the first episode in which the story isn't about chasing little green men, and that the very thing they were chasing was slightly more down to earth. In writing this I have just reminded myslef about another one of those more down to earth charaters who is just as un-nerving as Toombs, Donnie Pfaster who stalked women so he could wash their hair. Perhaps I will give him a blog all his own at a later date. Probably will be after I have watched that particular episode.

Space The Remaining Frontier

A History of Space Travel

Continuing with my space related blogs here is a brief history of mankind’s voyages into the farthest quests for knowledge and discovery. Ever since Jules Verne wrote about all kinds of travel we have had an urge to make sci-fi a reality, and this is so true when it comes to space. The world looked up to the skies in 1959 when the Russians launched sputnik one. A simple device that orbited the earth emitting a simple beep-beep sound. A sound that could be heard on any transistor radio. But this wasn’t the only thing the Russian space agency contributed they were the first to send an animal into space a dog called LIKA, who actually died during re-entry, a fact that didn’t come out until after the fall of communism. Then Yuri Gagarin made history by becoming the first person to be launched into orbit, a ninety minute voyage that put him in the same class as Columbus, the Wright Brothers and Charles Lindbergh.

The first Eva or spacewalk was also done by a Russian proving that work in space could be possible for a person outside the safety of an orbiter. The American’s always seemed to be playing catch up when it came to space. Yes they did make it to the North Pole before anyone else, developed the first weapon of mass destruction and pioneered much of supersonic travel. They built a plane that could fly higher than any other. But they did drop the ball when it came to space travel. Then in 1961 they laid down the gauntlet and announced they would make it to the moon before 1970.

It was this challenge where NASA set the standards. The Gemini program was ground breaking; docking with other vehicles in space, both manned an unmanned. Firing people in to space for days to see if there are any long term effects on the body during periods of weightlessness. Then with the Apollo program more developments were made. They built a lunar lander nick-named the spider. Apollo 8 circumnavigated the moon ten times. Apollo 9 mission proved that the LEM worked and could make a rendezvous with its command module. Then on Apollo 10 they took the LEM to the moon and performed manoeuvres in near lunar orbit. Then on July 20th 1969 Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldren became the first men to step on another world. And the famous “One small step one giant leap for mankind speech”. But I actually prefer the words of the Apollo 12 commander when he first stepped on to the moon “YIPEE”. It was on this mission they placed laser mirrors on the surface of the moon, which are still used today. They show us that the moon is getting further away from the Earth. They fire a laser at them and record how long it takes to receive it back. The best thing NASA did as it proves the landings were not faked.

But the Apollo program did have its setbacks too. The fire on Apollo 1 during the plugs-out test that killed Gus Grissom Richard Chafee and Ed White. Also the ill fated mission of Apollo 13 that almost ended in tragedy, when an o2 tank exploded shortly after take off. For this mission NASA had to improvise a way of getting Jim Lovell, Fred Haise and Jack Swigert home safely which they did. They also sent four more manned missions to the moon. Apollo 14 went to Apollo 13 destination. And Apollo’s 15 16 and 17 made their contributions too.

Then there was Skylab and the Apollo Soyuz space meeting. The shuttle program developed in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s. Not forgetting the Mir Space Station. The probes that have been sent all around the solar system, including the robots that landed on Mars. The Giotto probe that took scientific measurements in the tail of Hayley’s comet.

This brings us up to date. There is the international space station, satellite communications. The Hubble Telescope.

Is Australia Good?

The following brain rant is about the great things Australia has contributed to modern popular culture. But I couldn't think of any great contribution that the boys from downunder have made, but the only exception I can think of is INXS. But Michael Hutchins didn't no how to fasten his belt properly. We do have to thank them for Danni and Kylie, not for their talent, but because they are really good window dressing.

Guy Pearce and Russell Crowe and Eric Banner and that guy who played Jim Robinson have made it big US of stateside. But they can never be forgiven for giving us Neighbours and the slightly worse Home and Away, which sounds like a program for wife swappers. Then there's that Donavon chap, you know the bloke who was in Joe's Coat the Lloyd-Webber musical. But Australia can be thanked for accepting to take our b-listers letting them loose in the jungle, and have them performing humiliating tasks for food. It is the modern equivalent of watching monkey's playing with tools. Only less entertaining.

Then there is the way in which they have ruined our native tongue, for instance calling University UNI, the bastsards. At least our American cousins have kept the language nearly the same even if they spell the words incorrectly and don't get irony.

Then the sports they play, Australian "NO" rules football. That's the game where the umpires are dressed like English butchers. They do also play rugby and cricket quite well. There two of the most widespread sports played which we invented and don't seem to be too good at. Yes this is sour grapes. But it was gratifying watching the Aussie PM having to present our rugby team with the winners medals and Webb Ellis Trophy.

Then they have got those fucking huge jumping, leaping things, I mean what do they do, they hop around the countryside and get shot by farmers. Then there's emus and ostriches the fastest creatures on two legs and what do they do when the dingoes come a hunting do they leg it like any creature with survival instincts would do. No. They say to themselves "Oh look a dingo, I'm the fastest thing on two legs, I could run away, but I think I'll bury my head in the sand." Then what happens, that's right they get mauled by a bunch of savage wild dogs. They deserve everything they get. Koala's there is another species that gets my blood boiling. Cute things.No. They spend their lives eating eucolyptus leaves, stripping trees of thier folliage and adding to the destruction of the forests, and speeding up the demise of the planet. Can you imagine what their farts must smell like, it doesn't bare thinking about, eucolyptus smells rank at the best of times.

I know that I have completly lost the thread of the title of this rant, because I know nothing about Australian culture. The morale of the story is clearly do your research, then I might have had something coherent to say on the matter. But still Never mind. Onwards and upwards.

How things look from a different perspective

Here a few pictures of things we see everyday taken from a different viewpoint.

A car looks strange from above.

A mug looks massive from this vantage.

I think this mouse looks like a weird plastic Ayres Rock. Has anyone else got any pictures of everday objects as seen from a less than norm perspective.

CSI Fact or Fiction

How Accurate is CSI

This edition of brain rant was going to discuss the accuracy of the above franchise television series but researching it was a quagmire of scientific jargon and would not really be all that relevant to what is essentially TV drama. So I will focus on only a couple of items of interest for this article.

1. The speed in which DNA can be analyzed and interpreted in the real forensic world and compare it to the television program.
2. The clothing that should be worn at a crime scene, and what the actors wear.
3. Compare the speed at which ballistic evidence can be interpreted from actual world to the dramatic world.
4. Do the real American CSI’s actually carry side-arms?

I choose these four points because they feature heavily in all three versions of the show. I do understand that the shows are heavily constrained to time limitations and do have to use a little dramatic licence in telling the story in a succinct manner for the viewer. And that the science used is an abridged version of what happens in actuality. But they still have to make it accurate because science is in fact the lead character in the show; the actors are the ones who have to bring it to life.

Point 1 DNA.

As we all know DNA can be taken from blood, hair, saliva, and other bodily fluids including vomit and semen. The larger the sample found the quicker a DNA profile can be made. With smaller samples it can take up to a month to produce a DNA profile. It is here that the show uses the most dramatic licence because their profiling is in done in minutes but the way in which they produce a DNA profile is accurate below describes how it is done:-


1. Separate white and red blood cells with a centrifuge.
2. Extract DNA nuclei from the white blood cells. This is done by bathing the cells in hot water, then adding salt, and putting the mixture back into the centrifuge
3. Cut DNA strand into fragments using a restriction enzyme.
4. Place fragments into one end of a bed of agarose gel with electrodes in it. Agarose gel is made from agar-agar, a type of seaweed that turns into gelatin when dissolved in boiling water.
5. Use an electric current to sort the DNA segments by length. This process is called agarose gel electrophoresis. Electrophoresis refers to the process of moving the negatively-charged molecules through the gel with electricity. Shorter segments move farther away from their original location, while longer ones stay closer. The segments align in parallel rows.
6. Use a sheet of nitrocellulose or nylon to blot the DNA. The sheet is stained so the different lengths of DNA bands are visible to the naked eye. By treating the sheet with radiation, an autoradiograph is created. This is an image on x-ray film left by the decay pattern of the radiation. The autoradiograph, with its distinctive dark-colored parallel bands, is the DNA profile.



Point 2 Clothing worn by CSI’s

The real scene of crimes investigators actually wear white polyester or cotton all in one coverall. They also wear a hairnet and that is covered with a cap. Over their shoes they also have covers made of the same material as the coveralls. This is done to avoid contaminating a crime scene. The kits they carry for detection used in the series are also wholly accurate. So the CSI’s in the series are not dressed correctly but the audience does need to see the characters, otherwise the show would resemble that scene from the Woody Allen movie Everything You Wanted to know about sex but were too afraid to ask, you all know which scene I am referring to.



Point 3 Ballistic Evidence

Ballistic comparison is a time quick thing to do. Guns have rifling in the barrels which cause a bullet to spin as it leaves the barrel; this is done to increase accuracy and range of the bullet. These machining marks that are in the barrel are then transferred to the projectile as it leaves the firearm. This is called striation. Different gun manufacturers have different rifling characteristics which allow experts to narrow down the scope of investigation, and can tell which manufacturers use those characteristics all they need is weapon to compare it to. When they have a suspect weapon it is test fired into a tank of water or into a canister filled with plastic balls. This is done to avoid damaging the bullets striation. Then the test bullet is compared to the bullet recovered from a body or crime scene under a microscope and the result is instance, either a yes or no answer. The show is correct and accurate in it’s depiction of ballistic evidence.

Point 4 Are CSI’s armed?

The answer to this particular question depends on where they are based. If they are sworn in law enforcement officials then yes they are, which is true for the Miami and New York shows, their real life CSI’s do pack heat. As for Las Vegas I couldn’t find out the answer to that question. Some police departments use outside contractors for crime scene investigation, they are not armed but do carry pepper spray. In these cases the scenes are guarded by law enforcement officials.

25th Anniversary Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

To celebrate the anniversary of the rock and roll hall of fame in America, Rolling Stone Magazine commissioned this cover. But couldn't they have picked some people we have heard of.

I mean Mick Jagger what has he ever contributed to Rock music? Then there is St. Bonio. How "IN THE NAME OF LOVE" did he get picked for this particular gig? And of coarse Bruce "E Street"sting, might have been born in the USA, but he is the only Yank there.

Does that say something about American music? Or as I suspect most of the best music is in fact made in The United Kingdom of Great Rock and Roll and Northern Ireland. Has music in America reached an all time low? Next they'll be telling us Bob Dylan's gonna release a Christmas record.

OH HE IS?!!

Britania Rocks all over the world. But on behalf of this small island I would like to apologise for giving the world Status Quo, Simon Cowell and Pierce Morgan and The Spice Girls, The X-factor, Britain and America's got Talent.

But on the other hand BIG UP BRITAIN for:- The Beatles, The Bouncing Bomb the Jump Jet Harrier and imposing our language on all five continents and for the first spoken broadcast from the Lunar Surface. Shakespeare, Sherlock Holmes, Charles Dickens, The Birmingham Six and The Guilford Four. Television, Telephone, and the World Wide Web.

Thankyou America for:-Your Boston Tea Party and Treasonous War of Independence, Doctor Crippen, Mark Chapman, George W. Bush, The Scary Movie films, Jerry Springer. Your greenhouse gas discharges, and starting the most unwanted war in history(congrats on that one George).

Should We Go Back To The Moon?


With the latest findings from NASA that there is water on the moon, is it now appropriate to revisit the lunar surface with manned missions? A number of possibilities exist, the obvious one being a permanent space station on the surface of another world to see how viable extra-terrestrial colonisation could be sustained. This would clearly lead if successful to colonising a planet similar to our own such as Mars.

With the existing technology we have at the moment would manned missions be easier than they were forty years ago. Those boffins at NASA had major obstacles to overcome in a very specific time frame set out by the then President Kennedy of putting a man on the moon before the decade was out. These being:-

1. Getting men in to near earth orbit and keeping them there for a set time to see if work in a zero g environment was possible.
2. Extra Vehicle Activity namely space walking
3. Docking with another craft in space
4. Escaping earth orbit then firing objects into lunar orbit.
5. Disengaging a craft from the command module and then rendezvous again.
6. Finally landing a craft on the lunar surface and launching the LEM back to the Command Module.

All of the above was achieved within ten years of the challenged being issued in May 1961. But this endeavour had to be more fluid than just getting a man to the moon; the Americans were in a race against the Soviet Union. Apollo 8 was never meant to go to the moon, that was intended for a later mission, but just before Apollo 8 was due to be launched the Russians launched a satellite and put into lunar orbit. So NASA’s next move had to be better than the Soviets last move. So that Christmas for Jim Lovell and Co. was spent doing laps around the moon. It was like an inter-stellar game of chess going on between the super powers in the cold war era. But the Americans won that game and sent twelve men to the lunar surface and got them all back safely to the Earth.

But I think the question should really be why shouldn’t we go back to the moon? There is nothing to stop us, there is no political incentive or sabre rattling, that needs to be satisfied in the post cold war age. There is the financial question as to viability of such a scheme. But with cooperation on a global scale there is not limit to what can be imagined and then realised.

When Columbus reached the new world that wasn’t the end of voyages of discovery it just opened another chapter in the story. If manned missions had continued a lot longer we would have a greater understanding of the universe its make up and how better to preserve it.

The only obstacle we have is the inability to imagine what is possible. Let us not forget that Victorian science fiction is now scientific fact. Jules Verne fantasized about getting men to the moon, and it is this type of creative thinking that has made space travel possible. It is a progressive pattern that started with the ability to create fire, making weapons for hunting etc. Starting with little baby steps got us out of the trees with the logical ending of travelling beyond the confines of our own planet and getting to the moon. The answer to the title in this transmission is a clear and unequivocal yes.

If you wish to follow the American space program visit the Nasa Homepage it really is well worth a look.

Sweeney Todd

Safety at your local hair dresser

This article will probably be more relevant to the female reader, because they are more likely to spend any significant time at a hair dressing salon. I was listening to that twat mouth piece on lunchtime radio 2, to clarify I mean Mr. Jeremy Vine, the Kyle of BBC radio. A girl went to the hair dressing salon to get her hair done for her school prom, another magnificently tragic import from the US of America, but nonetheless she quite reasonably wanted to look her best for this important night of her life. So she went to her local emporium to have her Barnet cut. Unfortunately for this young girl she had her locks fondled by a trainee who wasn’t under supervision. She had her hair dyed and immediately felt a burning and itching sensation, and was told by trainee it was to be expected and would pass.

That night her head was still itching and burning, but she went to bed, then to school the following morning. She also had a rash on her face and was promptly sent home until the rash had gone. Now to the average person this would be considered to be quite horrific for the girl, but this story now goes from bad to worse. She woke up the next morning her rash had gone septic and she lost the sight in both her eyes. Naturally her parents were very worried about this latest revelation and took her to see her GP. She was given a course of anti-biotic and anti-histamine for infection. After her treatment from the Doctor, the rash disappeared and her eyesight returned. When she complained to her hairdresser she was told that it was a reaction to her shampoo.

Her parents sued this particular establishment for damages because their daughter had been given a haircut by a trainee under no supervision. This girl later found out after a consultation with her solicitor that the hairdresser should have given her a scratch test to see if she was allergic to the particular dye was used. The shop settled out of court a blatant admittance of guilt on their part.

What do hairdresser’s need to open a salon?

Under the law as it currently stands this is what is required:-

· A venue

That’s it.

Officially no certificate of competence is needed. No knowledge of the safe use of the chemicals used in the hair dressing profession. So if I so wanted I could start my own salon and nobody would officially come and check to see if I were running a safe place of business. I wouldn’t even have to register with a federation, and there is no governing body.

Now the above story is nasty but there are some very serious hazards to visiting the hairdresser. This is rare phenomenon but there is something called washbasin stroke syndrome, if the neck is over extended over the basin it can cause the person to stroke. This is sometimes known as dentist chair stroke syndrome, because it has also happened at the dentist. But don’t get too worried about this; these instances are very rare indeed. The odds are 1 in 50,000. So if the average person gets one haircut a month and lives for seventy years that would be 840 visits for a lifetime so the odds are in our favour.

Clearly there needs to be legislation in place that safeguards the customer. And the hairdressers themselves need to have official certification, and need to be affiliated to a governing body. Even sportsmen have governing bodies with rules and regulations to adhere to, and so should hairdressers.

Bloonerisms Spog

Spoonerisms

Continuing with my word based themes for this blog I am going to talk about Spoonerisms. Betty Swollocks is a well known modern spoonerism.

Spoonerisms are named after the Reverend W. A. Spooner (1844-1930) who was Dean and Warden of New College in Oxford, England. He is reputed to have made these verbal slips frequently. A number of genuine Spoonerisms – those which are believed to have been said by Reverend Spooner can be found at the end of the article.

Born in 1844 in London, Spooner became an Anglican priest and a scholar. During a 60-year association with Oxford University, he lectured in history, philosophy, and divinity. From 1876 to 1889, he served as a Dean and from 1903 to 1924 as Warden, or president.

Spooner was an albino, small, with a pink face, poor eyesight, and a head too large for his body. His reputation was that of a genial, kindly, hospitable man. He seems also to have been something of an absent-minded professor. After a Sunday service he turned back to the pulpit and informed his student audience: "In the sermon I have just preached, whenever I said Aristotle, I meant St. Paul."

The reverend Spooner was a very quick witted man who could make up these slips of the tongue. His brain was so quick to think his tongue had real difficulty keeping up. There is actually a Greek word for switching things around and it’s called metathesis. He could mix the sounds of words up at any time especially if he was flustered or angry. He once berated one of his students who had “Hissed his Mystery lecture”. And then accused him of having “tasted two worms”. But this wasn’t just angry slips of the tongue in a toast to Queen Victoria he said “Three Cheers for our queer old dean. For the boys returning from World War 1 he said “We will have the hags flung out”. Here are some quips reportedly said by the good professor.

fighting a liar lighting a fire
you hissed my mystery lecture you missed my history lecture
cattle ships and bruisers battle ships and cruisers
nosey little cook cosy little nook
a blushing crow a crushing blow
tons of soil sons of toil
our queer old Dean our dear old Queen
we'll have the hags flung out we'll have the flags hung out
you've tasted two worms you've wasted two terms
our shoving leopard our loving shepherd
a half-warmed fish a half-formed wish
Is the bean dizzy? Is the Dean busy?

In The Dentist's Chair Duex

Return to the Dentist’s Chair

Yesterday was my return visit to the dentist for my second course of treatments. The usual waiting nerves were ever present with everyone there. Then after about a ten minute wait I was called in by my torture handler for the day.

I had the usual pleasantries extended to me; I was asked if I had any trouble with the fillings I received at my last visit. Then she told me what I was going to have done at this session in the comfortable Iron Maiden. I was going to get two more fillings and have a rotten tooth removed from the rear of my mouth. First order of the day was the injections I think it was six in all, to numb up my chewing box. Then swill and rinse. First of all I had the two teeth filled, that went okay, nothing worth writing about.

Next came the extraction of my rotten wisdom tooth. She pulled out an array of equipment that would have made Vlad the Impailer green eyed with jealousy. There was a selection of items that looked like large scribes and large centre punches that wouldn’t have looked out of place in a machinist workshop. There was also a pair of pliers that could have been used to extract teeth from a t-rex. The scribing tools were used to jiggle the tooth about, then the pliers were used, but the poor lady couldn’t take that tooth out in one go. Next the drill went in my mouth and she started to machine away at it and I heard a little crack then I heard her say that the tooth was now in two pieces. After some prodding and jiggling, the first half of the tooth came out a dream. Then she tried to extract the second bit with no joy.

She put the chair back in to the upright position, I had another swill and rinse then I was descended back to the flat position. After a few more minutes effort she was beginning to concede defeat and asked her nurse to go and get a male colleague to assist her with her endeavour. The nurse left the room, then returned a few seconds later. Then the dentist continued with her battle against that tooth, loads more prodding and pulling and then at last the offending item shifted and was removed. The male dentist entered the room at this point, just as I was being elevated back into the upright position. The look of disappointment in this guys face was clearly noticeable. He took one look at the instruments on her table and quipped “did you use enough tools?” turned and left the room.

Then there was the advice given to me about the dos and don’ts of post extraction. Which I did of coarse follow. I did exact a small amount of revenge on my dentist when she rolled up the swab and put it over the socket where said tooth had resided. She told me to bite down on it, but with the sensation of having no feeling in my mouth I clamped her index finger between my front teeth, which made her wince.

But I can say that the myth about the dentist being a painful experience is well and truly busted. I was in that chair for almost an hour and the only sensation of feeling I had the whole time was when I had the injections, which was about as painful as a cat playfully biting your hands.

This is unfair representation of the extraction, the dentist wasn't nearly as attractive as the dentist featured here. Until next time adios.

'Ave a butcher's at this

Cockney Rhyming Slang.

As a person interested in lexicography I am going to continue with my word based theme that I started with in Acronyms in Language. I will in due coarse get to my history of sayings blog, but this topic has become relevant because in my research in to the history of sayings blog cockney rhyming slang has appeared several times.

The origins of this form of dialect are difficult to pinpoint but is widely believed to have come into common usage in the 1840’s in the East-End of London by the costermongers of the time. A costermonger is a fruit and veg stallholder in market places or barrow boys in the East end of London.

It remains a matter of speculation as to whether rhyming slang was a linguistic accident, a game, or a code developed intentionally to confuse non-locals. If deliberate, it may have been used to maintain a sense of community. It is possible that it was used in the marketplace to allow vendors to talk amongst themselves in order to facilitate collusion, without customers knowing what they were saying. Another suggestion is that it may have been used by criminals to confuse the police.

I think the most plausible origin of this form of communication actually has its roots in the penal community, so the inmates could talk to each other without their guards knowing what they were saying. Then it spilled over into the British Army, when the inmates were released this was the only place they could find work. It was in the army that rhyming slang became more universal. With the conscripted men release from service it would have spread to different parts of the country.

When it is spoken the rhyming part of the phrase is often dropped so to the casual listener it will not make any sense. For instance I once heard someone say “I’ve got a stinking hangover I had too many pig’s in the battle last night.” I heard this about ten years ago and didn’t know what it meant at the time but with my research for this blog I managed to translate what this person had said. Pig’s is short for PIG’S EAR or BEER, BATTLE is short for BATTLE CRUISER or BOOZER i.e. pub. To put this into “normal” spoken language it would be “I’ve got a stinking hangover I had too many beers in the pub last night”. This doesn’t sound or read quite as good as the cockney version.

But it isn’t only used on the shores of Great Britain, there is also Australian rhyming slang, it is from this the term pommy comes from. This is their term of endearment for the English. The Americans also have their version of it as well. The phrase “let’s bring it down to the brass tacks”. Brass tacks are facts.

Listed below are a few of my favourites.

Barnet Fair Hair
Bees and honey Money
Berkshire Hunt cunt

Billy lids Kids
Boat race Face
Boracic (usually pronounced "brassic") lint Skint
Bowler hat Chat
Brass cart Tart (prostitute)
Bristol City or, pluralised, Bristol’s Titty (breasts)
Cream crackered Knackered
Dog and bone Telephone
Frog and toad Road
Pig's ear Beer
Pony and trap Crap (both to defecate and of poor quality)
Skin and blister Sister
Water bottle Throttle

Radio WW2

World War 2 Parlance

As promised at a prior time here’s the blog dedicated to Radio WW2. This is the follow up blog to acronyms used in language. It is basically a list of my favourites that I found whilst researching the previous blog. So sit back slip a magazine into your M1 A1 and relax. And travel back 65 years to a time less peaceful than our own.

These are taken from the RAF & RCAF manuals.

1. A/A or AA Aircraft Apprentice or Anti-Aircraft fire (Ack-Ack)
2. Ack-Ack Anti-Aircraft fire
3. ADGB Air Defence of Great Britain
4. Alligator or 'Gator Navigator
5. Bandit Enemy aircraft
6. Bible-Puncher Padre or Chaplain
7. Blackouts WAAF issue knickers (panties); winter, navy blue
8. Brassed off Angry
9. Browned off Lesser degree of angry
10. Canteen Cowboy Airman who sees himself as a ladies man; alt 'NAAFI Romeo'
11. Chairborne Any desk-bound job or duty
12. Dear-John An "end of relationship" letter from a spouse or girl friend
13. Devil-dodger Padre or Chaplain
14. Fish-head Navy personnel
15. Goon Name used by Allied prisoners of war for their German guards
16. Gone for a Burton Dead or killed
17. Homework Girlfriend; as in "a piece of homework"
18. Irons Knife, fork and spoon eating utensils issued to all non-coms
19. MAFL Manual of Air Force Law
20. Meat Wagon Ambulance
21. Passion-killers WAAF issue knickers (panties); winter, navy blue (see "Blackouts")
22. Pongo Any officer in the Army
23. Prune RAF legendary pilot, Pilot Officer Percy Prune, who served as supreme example of what not to do; applied to any unthinking air crew member flaunting the rules.
24. Spawny Lucky

The Whole Nine Yards Post

This blog was initially going to have a few explanations to the origins of phrases used is everyday language, but quickly developed into the origin of just one. Namely where does the phrase “The Whole Nine Yards” originate? I will do a blog on the origins of some other phrases at a later date, but in the research stage many questions had arisen as to the origin of the above title.

One article I read about it was from an American author who states that the phrase didn’t appear in print before the early 1960’s. He didn’t do his research all that well because I found a reference to it in the USAAF manual and also it appears in the RCAF manuals circa World War 2.

The first time I read the phrase was in a private’s diary from the trenches of World War 1 on the western front. He was fighting during the first battle of Ypres and the sergeant gave the machine gunners the order “give the bastards the whole nine yards”. This was how long the belt was in the Vickers machine gun.(Pictured above)

Nine yards is also a phrase that tailors use. To make a good quality suit nine yards of quality cloth is used. This is where the expression “DRESSED TO THE NINES” comes from.

Going even further back into history, The Royal Navy ships used during the voyages of discovery had a phrase called the Ninth Yard. This refers to two things:

1. The three masts were situated three yards apart running along the centre line of the ship. Thus The Whole Nine Yards.

2. The Foremost sail was called Ninth yard because its leading bottom edge was nine yards away from the apex of the bow. The one behind that was the sixth yard. The nearest sail was called the third yard.

The Naval theme to this will be carried on fairly extensively in the blog referring to the origins of phrases used in everyday language. There are more references to this particular phrase and I suspect that this debate will just go on and on. Unlike me, I’m finished for now.

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Art work in entertainment

In this blog I would like to talk about album art. We obviously buy albums by our favourite bands and musicians. But I am sure that some people have been tempted to buy a record based solely on the cover art work. The one pictured is an iconic one from my childhood; it is of coarse Brothers in Arms by Dire Straits. Growing up I was introduced to some truly iconic albums by the biggest artists of the time. Most notably the records in my parent’s collection had some truly incredible art work. The Beatles album covers are recognised by many, even people who don’t follow their music. The cover from Sergeant Pepper spring to mind immediately. Other artworks on their albums that are memorable are the album covers to Revolver and Rubber Soul. Then there’s that one with the band crossing Abbey Road at the zebra crossing, don’t know the name of the album. Maybe somebody could inform me.

This article doesn’t just apply to music albums but can also be transferred to DVD cases and games console covers. For instance the cover from Platoon has to be recognised by everyone, you know it has the soldier on his knees and arms reaching skyward (bonus point if anyone can tell me which actor it is). This is the poster from Platoon which I’m sure everybody over 30 must remember. For those of you who are interested the actor is Willem Dafoe who played Sergeant Elias. I really like the napalm fire in the background of that photograph. Another favourite cover of mine is from another Oliver Stone movie JFK. This has the torn Stars and Stripes and Kevin Costner face in blue and white. Then of coarse I should really mention the Star Wars and Indiana Jones artwork.


Now this picture situated on the left was just mentioned earlier is my favourite art work and possibly my fav movie as well. (If you wish to see larger picture just click on the images). It is of coarse Harry Forders as Indy Jones. I’d want to buy that DVD just by looking at it’s cover, even if had no clue about what the movie is about, but you would have to be a troglodyte not have any knowledge of this film.

I think that we are lucky to be able to see these images especially when they can be found on the web, we can just browse the pictures from our arm-chairs.

What would you pay for this?

This is a starter I made today how much do you think it would cost at a restaurant?

Acronyms Used In Communication

With the invention of new forms of communication, new forms of language are created to go along with them. With the mobile phone age and internet chat rooms acronyms have come into wide use. All the obvious ones could be listed here but what would be the point, because we all know them. LOL, LMOA, DILLIGAF etc. But this form of language is just a variation on a theme.

It has evolved from another form of communication. With the invention of portable radios used by the armed services during World War 2. Operators invented acronyms so they could relay and receive orders in a timely fashion. In particular the US Military has always been fond of using acronyms, but the British and Commonwealth forces adopted it too. Listed below are some I found whilst researching this article.

1. LMF- Low Morale Fibre RAF speak.
2. SNAFU- Situations Normal Alls Fucked Up
3. FUBAR - Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition.
4. ETOUSA – European Theatre of Operations, United States Army
5. BEF – British Expeditionary Force
6. BAR – Browning Automatic Rifle
7. LCT – Landing Craft, Tank
8. SCAGF- Supreme Commander Allied Ground Forces (my particular favourite)

The third item in the list should be familiar to all of us, as it was used extensively in the movie Saving Private Ryan.

Then during the Vietnam War this theme was continued and the radio operators made up their own abbreviations.

1. FNG- Fucking New Guy
2. NVA- North Vietnamese Army
3. PAVN- Peoples Army of the Republic of Vietnam
4. REMF- Rear Echelon Mother Fucker

During this war the individual services also had their own sub-forms of the language listed below are some that were used by The Marines.

1. JARHEAD: Marine.
2. POLICE UP: clean up.
3. KLICK: kilometre.
4. STROKE BOOK: porno magazine.

Strictly speaking these are not acronyms but it does emphasise the point that language is developed to suit the needs of each individual operator.
So this brings us up to date to our own more modern acronyms that are used in internet chat rooms and when sending text messages from our mobile phones. I will continue this theme in a later blog that will be devoted to World War 2 abbreviated language. There were some creative acronyms that I found that are just too numerous to list here.

From The Dentist's Chair

Today I had the misfortune of a dentists appointment. It was the second time I had been in the last twenty years. I had my initial check up a few weeks ago and today was the first treatment. I had a filling put in each of my front 2 teeth.

The worst thing about being at the dentist is the waiting. Sat there I could here all the relevant noises drills whizzing etc. But the one thing I noticed was that everyone waiting in that room was doing pretty much the same thing to control their nerves. People twiddling thumbs, biting their nails and one guy shuffling through a magazine nervously. All of us waiting anxiously to be called.

At last after about twenty minutes I was called in by my dentist. She told me she was going to fill in the teeth mentioned earlier. Then she pulled out a needle, now if you are like me the mere sight of needles it's brown trousers time. She said that it might hurt a little (dentist speak for uncontrollable agony). But refreshingly surprising was just a tiny scratching sensation in the upper part of my gum. Then the same feeling when I got the other part of my mouth injected.

From here on in, it got a bit surreal. The surface of each tooth was prepared for the filling compound. The usual menagerie of bits being exchanged in that hand held implement of torture. Then the compound was put in the first tooth then some more usage of the hand held. Now this was the weird part the nurse then produced this huge orange visor and something that resembled a small welding torch. Then there was a blue light. Had I not known where I was I could have conceivably been an episode of the X-Files, just before an abduction, or as I commented in a tweet on CSI as a dead body in a crime scene. Then all of the above happened on the next tooth.

Then after about twenty minutes it was all over. But I didn't get given a lolly so disappointment there. A misconception of mine has been temporarily myth busted, that going to the dentist is a painful experience. Not today it wasn't anyway. I say temporarily myth busted at next week's visit to the legalised chamber of torture, I've got to have a rotten tooth removed. Then there was the lack of feeling in my upper lip and on part of my nose that took three and a quarter hours to wear off.

Will blog about next visit to the dentist and inform you all whether the agony at the dentist myth is really and truly busted. See you cyber fans.

MP 3 Players

Earlier this year I purchased a new MP3 player (pictured). This baby can do everything. It has an FM tuner for your radio shows. It plays back video clips. It stores all your photographs on it. And obviously you can put your favourite music on it.

Recently I did some research on how best I could utilise the features it has. I managed to find out how to apply album arts to the music tracks in the audio library. It can be used to download podcast from service providers including the BEEB. And it has a feature on it called Zencast, which has various channels on every subject ranging from sport to science. Once you set the channels you want to subscribe to they are updated to it's server weekly for download to player

In the coarse of my research I performed a Google search on the particular model I have. I wanted to see what had been posted about it on the web. Whilst doing this research on one of the forums in the FAQ section I found the best questioned asked, and it read "How can I get porn on my Zen?" This was unsurprisingly posted anonymously, which isn't all that odd, but there were nearly 100 responses to this enquiry. Who says the Internet is only used for finding comedy and wank images on?

Not only is this MP3 a multimedia device, you can use it to store your diary, any contact information you need. It has a recorder on it that you can use for any voice memos you wish to take during your daily routine. You can make and view slide shows and apply backing tracks to the slide shows from the music library. It even has an alarm facility on it,which presumably you can wake up to your favourite music, in conjunction with a docking station, which this model doesn't have.

The best feature that this machine has is it's CD ripping software. Which is so easy a monkey could use it(provided it can follow simple on screen instruction). All you have to do is insert(stop it not rude) a CD in to the computer and provided you are connected to an Internet all the details including the album art can be put straight on to the player, all conversions are done by the software.

In closing this is the best purchase I have made in the last few years. Which brings me to the last point I wish to make namely the multimedia world in which everyone lives. With the advent of affordable computers more people have access to the best source of information that you could ever get at a library(unless they have computers in), the Internet.

And everybody knows the Internet is a good thing and not just a "passing fad" as I once heard it described by a drunk moron in a drinking pit. And lastly Sir Alan Sugar was well wrong about I-Pod not taking off.

Robot and A.I. Sidekicks

Lets have a little blog about computers and robots that accompany the casts to many of our favourite movies and television shows. I think that it would be wise to start with the most famous sidekicks, which if you look to your left there should be a picture of them(just a little Shooting Stars moment then). They don't need an introduction. As we all know 3PO is a protocol droid and his dustbin companion is R2 who is the doer of this particular outfit. Also Goldie(not the Blue Peter dog) is fluent in 6 million forms of communication but I bet this droid couldn't communicate with a ZX81. That's because nobody can. R2 always saves the day with the way he talks to the computer networks at the various locations the heroes find themselves, eg. knowing the hyper drive on the Millennium Falcon had been disabled on the Cloud City. But it seems that as the story passes through all of the six films R2's upgrades haven't progressed in fact they regressed in eps 1 and 3 he has the jet packs in his legs, but no such gadgets appear except in Jedi when he lunges a sabre in Luke's direction(yes that was meant to sound rude). Moving on from a galaxy far far away and a long time ago, let's skip forward 3 million years into the future to the crew of the Jupiter Mining Ship Red Dwarf.


Again this wee fella situated to the right is of coarse Kryten who is actually strangely absent from the first 12 episodes except in the episode cunningly named Kryten, in which his duties were to attend to the dead crew of a vessel (can't remember name of the ship no doubt some anorak will post a message later). Then when said duties were finished his fav show on TV was a version of neighbours called androids although strangely this made up show was actually better than it's Aussie counterpart. The BEEB missed a trick there, just as Cheers spin off was Frasier, Red Dwarf could have had it's own Androids. I'm sorry I digress. Back to the plot(not that there was much of one). But at his proper introduction in series 3 he was an addition that help to turn the Dwarf into one of the funniest shows of it's time, and helped it achieve cult status. Not the usual type of robot either(just gander at his face), starting off as the crew's doormat(well Rimmer's anyway) and developing into his own robot complete with action man knickers and groin socket attachment!!

I suppose you can't have a blog on this particular subject without mentioning the best of them all that has appeared in the longest running sci-fi series namely Dr. Who. It is of coarse K9 and his catchphrase was I don't really need to mention it do I? OK I will was "AFFIRMATIVE MASTER". I am actually quite fond of canine because this author actually knows the guy who invented this character SO THERE. Not only that but K9 got called a "bad puppy" by Giles from Buffy in a particular episode and that stand alone fact would any A.I. sidekick jealous.

Although in this particular picture does look like he is about to be spit-roasted. And that was meant to sound positively disgusting. And on that note I is finishing.

Best jobs to have

This lucky chap had the fortune of being sent to the moon. Highlights of such a job must clearly be being launched into space by the Saturn 5 Rocket. Descending to the moon in the LEM, then actually working on the surface. Then on the return trip he got to experience re-entry(sounds rude missus) and then finally splashdown. Also just check the view of the Earth from the picture. This guy is one of the few people who has travelled to the furthest reaches and also has the luck to tell his children and grandchildren stories of walking on another world and doesn't sound like a complete lunatic (no pun intended) doing it. Lucky BASTARD. Not only did they provide him with transport to the moon they gave him a company car when he got there.

This car came with video cameras as standard, aluminium chasis, long before car manufacturers used it. 4 wheel drive. Also whilst in space NASA paid living expenses on top of his wage. They also provided him with all the food needed for such exploration.

Uglies that live in the garden

This bad boy was on the patio at my parents house one evening and I had to photograph it. Cos it is one ugly bastard and it was bigger than it looks in this photo. And it didn't make a sound, but it frightened the b'jesus out of me when I went out for a smoke.