Sweeney Todd

Safety at your local hair dresser

This article will probably be more relevant to the female reader, because they are more likely to spend any significant time at a hair dressing salon. I was listening to that twat mouth piece on lunchtime radio 2, to clarify I mean Mr. Jeremy Vine, the Kyle of BBC radio. A girl went to the hair dressing salon to get her hair done for her school prom, another magnificently tragic import from the US of America, but nonetheless she quite reasonably wanted to look her best for this important night of her life. So she went to her local emporium to have her Barnet cut. Unfortunately for this young girl she had her locks fondled by a trainee who wasn’t under supervision. She had her hair dyed and immediately felt a burning and itching sensation, and was told by trainee it was to be expected and would pass.

That night her head was still itching and burning, but she went to bed, then to school the following morning. She also had a rash on her face and was promptly sent home until the rash had gone. Now to the average person this would be considered to be quite horrific for the girl, but this story now goes from bad to worse. She woke up the next morning her rash had gone septic and she lost the sight in both her eyes. Naturally her parents were very worried about this latest revelation and took her to see her GP. She was given a course of anti-biotic and anti-histamine for infection. After her treatment from the Doctor, the rash disappeared and her eyesight returned. When she complained to her hairdresser she was told that it was a reaction to her shampoo.

Her parents sued this particular establishment for damages because their daughter had been given a haircut by a trainee under no supervision. This girl later found out after a consultation with her solicitor that the hairdresser should have given her a scratch test to see if she was allergic to the particular dye was used. The shop settled out of court a blatant admittance of guilt on their part.

What do hairdresser’s need to open a salon?

Under the law as it currently stands this is what is required:-

· A venue

That’s it.

Officially no certificate of competence is needed. No knowledge of the safe use of the chemicals used in the hair dressing profession. So if I so wanted I could start my own salon and nobody would officially come and check to see if I were running a safe place of business. I wouldn’t even have to register with a federation, and there is no governing body.

Now the above story is nasty but there are some very serious hazards to visiting the hairdresser. This is rare phenomenon but there is something called washbasin stroke syndrome, if the neck is over extended over the basin it can cause the person to stroke. This is sometimes known as dentist chair stroke syndrome, because it has also happened at the dentist. But don’t get too worried about this; these instances are very rare indeed. The odds are 1 in 50,000. So if the average person gets one haircut a month and lives for seventy years that would be 840 visits for a lifetime so the odds are in our favour.

Clearly there needs to be legislation in place that safeguards the customer. And the hairdressers themselves need to have official certification, and need to be affiliated to a governing body. Even sportsmen have governing bodies with rules and regulations to adhere to, and so should hairdressers.

Bloonerisms Spog

Spoonerisms

Continuing with my word based themes for this blog I am going to talk about Spoonerisms. Betty Swollocks is a well known modern spoonerism.

Spoonerisms are named after the Reverend W. A. Spooner (1844-1930) who was Dean and Warden of New College in Oxford, England. He is reputed to have made these verbal slips frequently. A number of genuine Spoonerisms – those which are believed to have been said by Reverend Spooner can be found at the end of the article.

Born in 1844 in London, Spooner became an Anglican priest and a scholar. During a 60-year association with Oxford University, he lectured in history, philosophy, and divinity. From 1876 to 1889, he served as a Dean and from 1903 to 1924 as Warden, or president.

Spooner was an albino, small, with a pink face, poor eyesight, and a head too large for his body. His reputation was that of a genial, kindly, hospitable man. He seems also to have been something of an absent-minded professor. After a Sunday service he turned back to the pulpit and informed his student audience: "In the sermon I have just preached, whenever I said Aristotle, I meant St. Paul."

The reverend Spooner was a very quick witted man who could make up these slips of the tongue. His brain was so quick to think his tongue had real difficulty keeping up. There is actually a Greek word for switching things around and it’s called metathesis. He could mix the sounds of words up at any time especially if he was flustered or angry. He once berated one of his students who had “Hissed his Mystery lecture”. And then accused him of having “tasted two worms”. But this wasn’t just angry slips of the tongue in a toast to Queen Victoria he said “Three Cheers for our queer old dean. For the boys returning from World War 1 he said “We will have the hags flung out”. Here are some quips reportedly said by the good professor.

fighting a liar lighting a fire
you hissed my mystery lecture you missed my history lecture
cattle ships and bruisers battle ships and cruisers
nosey little cook cosy little nook
a blushing crow a crushing blow
tons of soil sons of toil
our queer old Dean our dear old Queen
we'll have the hags flung out we'll have the flags hung out
you've tasted two worms you've wasted two terms
our shoving leopard our loving shepherd
a half-warmed fish a half-formed wish
Is the bean dizzy? Is the Dean busy?

In The Dentist's Chair Duex

Return to the Dentist’s Chair

Yesterday was my return visit to the dentist for my second course of treatments. The usual waiting nerves were ever present with everyone there. Then after about a ten minute wait I was called in by my torture handler for the day.

I had the usual pleasantries extended to me; I was asked if I had any trouble with the fillings I received at my last visit. Then she told me what I was going to have done at this session in the comfortable Iron Maiden. I was going to get two more fillings and have a rotten tooth removed from the rear of my mouth. First order of the day was the injections I think it was six in all, to numb up my chewing box. Then swill and rinse. First of all I had the two teeth filled, that went okay, nothing worth writing about.

Next came the extraction of my rotten wisdom tooth. She pulled out an array of equipment that would have made Vlad the Impailer green eyed with jealousy. There was a selection of items that looked like large scribes and large centre punches that wouldn’t have looked out of place in a machinist workshop. There was also a pair of pliers that could have been used to extract teeth from a t-rex. The scribing tools were used to jiggle the tooth about, then the pliers were used, but the poor lady couldn’t take that tooth out in one go. Next the drill went in my mouth and she started to machine away at it and I heard a little crack then I heard her say that the tooth was now in two pieces. After some prodding and jiggling, the first half of the tooth came out a dream. Then she tried to extract the second bit with no joy.

She put the chair back in to the upright position, I had another swill and rinse then I was descended back to the flat position. After a few more minutes effort she was beginning to concede defeat and asked her nurse to go and get a male colleague to assist her with her endeavour. The nurse left the room, then returned a few seconds later. Then the dentist continued with her battle against that tooth, loads more prodding and pulling and then at last the offending item shifted and was removed. The male dentist entered the room at this point, just as I was being elevated back into the upright position. The look of disappointment in this guys face was clearly noticeable. He took one look at the instruments on her table and quipped “did you use enough tools?” turned and left the room.

Then there was the advice given to me about the dos and don’ts of post extraction. Which I did of coarse follow. I did exact a small amount of revenge on my dentist when she rolled up the swab and put it over the socket where said tooth had resided. She told me to bite down on it, but with the sensation of having no feeling in my mouth I clamped her index finger between my front teeth, which made her wince.

But I can say that the myth about the dentist being a painful experience is well and truly busted. I was in that chair for almost an hour and the only sensation of feeling I had the whole time was when I had the injections, which was about as painful as a cat playfully biting your hands.

This is unfair representation of the extraction, the dentist wasn't nearly as attractive as the dentist featured here. Until next time adios.

'Ave a butcher's at this

Cockney Rhyming Slang.

As a person interested in lexicography I am going to continue with my word based theme that I started with in Acronyms in Language. I will in due coarse get to my history of sayings blog, but this topic has become relevant because in my research in to the history of sayings blog cockney rhyming slang has appeared several times.

The origins of this form of dialect are difficult to pinpoint but is widely believed to have come into common usage in the 1840’s in the East-End of London by the costermongers of the time. A costermonger is a fruit and veg stallholder in market places or barrow boys in the East end of London.

It remains a matter of speculation as to whether rhyming slang was a linguistic accident, a game, or a code developed intentionally to confuse non-locals. If deliberate, it may have been used to maintain a sense of community. It is possible that it was used in the marketplace to allow vendors to talk amongst themselves in order to facilitate collusion, without customers knowing what they were saying. Another suggestion is that it may have been used by criminals to confuse the police.

I think the most plausible origin of this form of communication actually has its roots in the penal community, so the inmates could talk to each other without their guards knowing what they were saying. Then it spilled over into the British Army, when the inmates were released this was the only place they could find work. It was in the army that rhyming slang became more universal. With the conscripted men release from service it would have spread to different parts of the country.

When it is spoken the rhyming part of the phrase is often dropped so to the casual listener it will not make any sense. For instance I once heard someone say “I’ve got a stinking hangover I had too many pig’s in the battle last night.” I heard this about ten years ago and didn’t know what it meant at the time but with my research for this blog I managed to translate what this person had said. Pig’s is short for PIG’S EAR or BEER, BATTLE is short for BATTLE CRUISER or BOOZER i.e. pub. To put this into “normal” spoken language it would be “I’ve got a stinking hangover I had too many beers in the pub last night”. This doesn’t sound or read quite as good as the cockney version.

But it isn’t only used on the shores of Great Britain, there is also Australian rhyming slang, it is from this the term pommy comes from. This is their term of endearment for the English. The Americans also have their version of it as well. The phrase “let’s bring it down to the brass tacks”. Brass tacks are facts.

Listed below are a few of my favourites.

Barnet Fair Hair
Bees and honey Money
Berkshire Hunt cunt

Billy lids Kids
Boat race Face
Boracic (usually pronounced "brassic") lint Skint
Bowler hat Chat
Brass cart Tart (prostitute)
Bristol City or, pluralised, Bristol’s Titty (breasts)
Cream crackered Knackered
Dog and bone Telephone
Frog and toad Road
Pig's ear Beer
Pony and trap Crap (both to defecate and of poor quality)
Skin and blister Sister
Water bottle Throttle

Radio WW2

World War 2 Parlance

As promised at a prior time here’s the blog dedicated to Radio WW2. This is the follow up blog to acronyms used in language. It is basically a list of my favourites that I found whilst researching the previous blog. So sit back slip a magazine into your M1 A1 and relax. And travel back 65 years to a time less peaceful than our own.

These are taken from the RAF & RCAF manuals.

1. A/A or AA Aircraft Apprentice or Anti-Aircraft fire (Ack-Ack)
2. Ack-Ack Anti-Aircraft fire
3. ADGB Air Defence of Great Britain
4. Alligator or 'Gator Navigator
5. Bandit Enemy aircraft
6. Bible-Puncher Padre or Chaplain
7. Blackouts WAAF issue knickers (panties); winter, navy blue
8. Brassed off Angry
9. Browned off Lesser degree of angry
10. Canteen Cowboy Airman who sees himself as a ladies man; alt 'NAAFI Romeo'
11. Chairborne Any desk-bound job or duty
12. Dear-John An "end of relationship" letter from a spouse or girl friend
13. Devil-dodger Padre or Chaplain
14. Fish-head Navy personnel
15. Goon Name used by Allied prisoners of war for their German guards
16. Gone for a Burton Dead or killed
17. Homework Girlfriend; as in "a piece of homework"
18. Irons Knife, fork and spoon eating utensils issued to all non-coms
19. MAFL Manual of Air Force Law
20. Meat Wagon Ambulance
21. Passion-killers WAAF issue knickers (panties); winter, navy blue (see "Blackouts")
22. Pongo Any officer in the Army
23. Prune RAF legendary pilot, Pilot Officer Percy Prune, who served as supreme example of what not to do; applied to any unthinking air crew member flaunting the rules.
24. Spawny Lucky

The Whole Nine Yards Post

This blog was initially going to have a few explanations to the origins of phrases used is everyday language, but quickly developed into the origin of just one. Namely where does the phrase “The Whole Nine Yards” originate? I will do a blog on the origins of some other phrases at a later date, but in the research stage many questions had arisen as to the origin of the above title.

One article I read about it was from an American author who states that the phrase didn’t appear in print before the early 1960’s. He didn’t do his research all that well because I found a reference to it in the USAAF manual and also it appears in the RCAF manuals circa World War 2.

The first time I read the phrase was in a private’s diary from the trenches of World War 1 on the western front. He was fighting during the first battle of Ypres and the sergeant gave the machine gunners the order “give the bastards the whole nine yards”. This was how long the belt was in the Vickers machine gun.(Pictured above)

Nine yards is also a phrase that tailors use. To make a good quality suit nine yards of quality cloth is used. This is where the expression “DRESSED TO THE NINES” comes from.

Going even further back into history, The Royal Navy ships used during the voyages of discovery had a phrase called the Ninth Yard. This refers to two things:

1. The three masts were situated three yards apart running along the centre line of the ship. Thus The Whole Nine Yards.

2. The Foremost sail was called Ninth yard because its leading bottom edge was nine yards away from the apex of the bow. The one behind that was the sixth yard. The nearest sail was called the third yard.

The Naval theme to this will be carried on fairly extensively in the blog referring to the origins of phrases used in everyday language. There are more references to this particular phrase and I suspect that this debate will just go on and on. Unlike me, I’m finished for now.

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Art work in entertainment

In this blog I would like to talk about album art. We obviously buy albums by our favourite bands and musicians. But I am sure that some people have been tempted to buy a record based solely on the cover art work. The one pictured is an iconic one from my childhood; it is of coarse Brothers in Arms by Dire Straits. Growing up I was introduced to some truly iconic albums by the biggest artists of the time. Most notably the records in my parent’s collection had some truly incredible art work. The Beatles album covers are recognised by many, even people who don’t follow their music. The cover from Sergeant Pepper spring to mind immediately. Other artworks on their albums that are memorable are the album covers to Revolver and Rubber Soul. Then there’s that one with the band crossing Abbey Road at the zebra crossing, don’t know the name of the album. Maybe somebody could inform me.

This article doesn’t just apply to music albums but can also be transferred to DVD cases and games console covers. For instance the cover from Platoon has to be recognised by everyone, you know it has the soldier on his knees and arms reaching skyward (bonus point if anyone can tell me which actor it is). This is the poster from Platoon which I’m sure everybody over 30 must remember. For those of you who are interested the actor is Willem Dafoe who played Sergeant Elias. I really like the napalm fire in the background of that photograph. Another favourite cover of mine is from another Oliver Stone movie JFK. This has the torn Stars and Stripes and Kevin Costner face in blue and white. Then of coarse I should really mention the Star Wars and Indiana Jones artwork.


Now this picture situated on the left was just mentioned earlier is my favourite art work and possibly my fav movie as well. (If you wish to see larger picture just click on the images). It is of coarse Harry Forders as Indy Jones. I’d want to buy that DVD just by looking at it’s cover, even if had no clue about what the movie is about, but you would have to be a troglodyte not have any knowledge of this film.

I think that we are lucky to be able to see these images especially when they can be found on the web, we can just browse the pictures from our arm-chairs.

What would you pay for this?

This is a starter I made today how much do you think it would cost at a restaurant?

Acronyms Used In Communication

With the invention of new forms of communication, new forms of language are created to go along with them. With the mobile phone age and internet chat rooms acronyms have come into wide use. All the obvious ones could be listed here but what would be the point, because we all know them. LOL, LMOA, DILLIGAF etc. But this form of language is just a variation on a theme.

It has evolved from another form of communication. With the invention of portable radios used by the armed services during World War 2. Operators invented acronyms so they could relay and receive orders in a timely fashion. In particular the US Military has always been fond of using acronyms, but the British and Commonwealth forces adopted it too. Listed below are some I found whilst researching this article.

1. LMF- Low Morale Fibre RAF speak.
2. SNAFU- Situations Normal Alls Fucked Up
3. FUBAR - Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition.
4. ETOUSA – European Theatre of Operations, United States Army
5. BEF – British Expeditionary Force
6. BAR – Browning Automatic Rifle
7. LCT – Landing Craft, Tank
8. SCAGF- Supreme Commander Allied Ground Forces (my particular favourite)

The third item in the list should be familiar to all of us, as it was used extensively in the movie Saving Private Ryan.

Then during the Vietnam War this theme was continued and the radio operators made up their own abbreviations.

1. FNG- Fucking New Guy
2. NVA- North Vietnamese Army
3. PAVN- Peoples Army of the Republic of Vietnam
4. REMF- Rear Echelon Mother Fucker

During this war the individual services also had their own sub-forms of the language listed below are some that were used by The Marines.

1. JARHEAD: Marine.
2. POLICE UP: clean up.
3. KLICK: kilometre.
4. STROKE BOOK: porno magazine.

Strictly speaking these are not acronyms but it does emphasise the point that language is developed to suit the needs of each individual operator.
So this brings us up to date to our own more modern acronyms that are used in internet chat rooms and when sending text messages from our mobile phones. I will continue this theme in a later blog that will be devoted to World War 2 abbreviated language. There were some creative acronyms that I found that are just too numerous to list here.

From The Dentist's Chair

Today I had the misfortune of a dentists appointment. It was the second time I had been in the last twenty years. I had my initial check up a few weeks ago and today was the first treatment. I had a filling put in each of my front 2 teeth.

The worst thing about being at the dentist is the waiting. Sat there I could here all the relevant noises drills whizzing etc. But the one thing I noticed was that everyone waiting in that room was doing pretty much the same thing to control their nerves. People twiddling thumbs, biting their nails and one guy shuffling through a magazine nervously. All of us waiting anxiously to be called.

At last after about twenty minutes I was called in by my dentist. She told me she was going to fill in the teeth mentioned earlier. Then she pulled out a needle, now if you are like me the mere sight of needles it's brown trousers time. She said that it might hurt a little (dentist speak for uncontrollable agony). But refreshingly surprising was just a tiny scratching sensation in the upper part of my gum. Then the same feeling when I got the other part of my mouth injected.

From here on in, it got a bit surreal. The surface of each tooth was prepared for the filling compound. The usual menagerie of bits being exchanged in that hand held implement of torture. Then the compound was put in the first tooth then some more usage of the hand held. Now this was the weird part the nurse then produced this huge orange visor and something that resembled a small welding torch. Then there was a blue light. Had I not known where I was I could have conceivably been an episode of the X-Files, just before an abduction, or as I commented in a tweet on CSI as a dead body in a crime scene. Then all of the above happened on the next tooth.

Then after about twenty minutes it was all over. But I didn't get given a lolly so disappointment there. A misconception of mine has been temporarily myth busted, that going to the dentist is a painful experience. Not today it wasn't anyway. I say temporarily myth busted at next week's visit to the legalised chamber of torture, I've got to have a rotten tooth removed. Then there was the lack of feeling in my upper lip and on part of my nose that took three and a quarter hours to wear off.

Will blog about next visit to the dentist and inform you all whether the agony at the dentist myth is really and truly busted. See you cyber fans.

MP 3 Players

Earlier this year I purchased a new MP3 player (pictured). This baby can do everything. It has an FM tuner for your radio shows. It plays back video clips. It stores all your photographs on it. And obviously you can put your favourite music on it.

Recently I did some research on how best I could utilise the features it has. I managed to find out how to apply album arts to the music tracks in the audio library. It can be used to download podcast from service providers including the BEEB. And it has a feature on it called Zencast, which has various channels on every subject ranging from sport to science. Once you set the channels you want to subscribe to they are updated to it's server weekly for download to player

In the coarse of my research I performed a Google search on the particular model I have. I wanted to see what had been posted about it on the web. Whilst doing this research on one of the forums in the FAQ section I found the best questioned asked, and it read "How can I get porn on my Zen?" This was unsurprisingly posted anonymously, which isn't all that odd, but there were nearly 100 responses to this enquiry. Who says the Internet is only used for finding comedy and wank images on?

Not only is this MP3 a multimedia device, you can use it to store your diary, any contact information you need. It has a recorder on it that you can use for any voice memos you wish to take during your daily routine. You can make and view slide shows and apply backing tracks to the slide shows from the music library. It even has an alarm facility on it,which presumably you can wake up to your favourite music, in conjunction with a docking station, which this model doesn't have.

The best feature that this machine has is it's CD ripping software. Which is so easy a monkey could use it(provided it can follow simple on screen instruction). All you have to do is insert(stop it not rude) a CD in to the computer and provided you are connected to an Internet all the details including the album art can be put straight on to the player, all conversions are done by the software.

In closing this is the best purchase I have made in the last few years. Which brings me to the last point I wish to make namely the multimedia world in which everyone lives. With the advent of affordable computers more people have access to the best source of information that you could ever get at a library(unless they have computers in), the Internet.

And everybody knows the Internet is a good thing and not just a "passing fad" as I once heard it described by a drunk moron in a drinking pit. And lastly Sir Alan Sugar was well wrong about I-Pod not taking off.

Robot and A.I. Sidekicks

Lets have a little blog about computers and robots that accompany the casts to many of our favourite movies and television shows. I think that it would be wise to start with the most famous sidekicks, which if you look to your left there should be a picture of them(just a little Shooting Stars moment then). They don't need an introduction. As we all know 3PO is a protocol droid and his dustbin companion is R2 who is the doer of this particular outfit. Also Goldie(not the Blue Peter dog) is fluent in 6 million forms of communication but I bet this droid couldn't communicate with a ZX81. That's because nobody can. R2 always saves the day with the way he talks to the computer networks at the various locations the heroes find themselves, eg. knowing the hyper drive on the Millennium Falcon had been disabled on the Cloud City. But it seems that as the story passes through all of the six films R2's upgrades haven't progressed in fact they regressed in eps 1 and 3 he has the jet packs in his legs, but no such gadgets appear except in Jedi when he lunges a sabre in Luke's direction(yes that was meant to sound rude). Moving on from a galaxy far far away and a long time ago, let's skip forward 3 million years into the future to the crew of the Jupiter Mining Ship Red Dwarf.


Again this wee fella situated to the right is of coarse Kryten who is actually strangely absent from the first 12 episodes except in the episode cunningly named Kryten, in which his duties were to attend to the dead crew of a vessel (can't remember name of the ship no doubt some anorak will post a message later). Then when said duties were finished his fav show on TV was a version of neighbours called androids although strangely this made up show was actually better than it's Aussie counterpart. The BEEB missed a trick there, just as Cheers spin off was Frasier, Red Dwarf could have had it's own Androids. I'm sorry I digress. Back to the plot(not that there was much of one). But at his proper introduction in series 3 he was an addition that help to turn the Dwarf into one of the funniest shows of it's time, and helped it achieve cult status. Not the usual type of robot either(just gander at his face), starting off as the crew's doormat(well Rimmer's anyway) and developing into his own robot complete with action man knickers and groin socket attachment!!

I suppose you can't have a blog on this particular subject without mentioning the best of them all that has appeared in the longest running sci-fi series namely Dr. Who. It is of coarse K9 and his catchphrase was I don't really need to mention it do I? OK I will was "AFFIRMATIVE MASTER". I am actually quite fond of canine because this author actually knows the guy who invented this character SO THERE. Not only that but K9 got called a "bad puppy" by Giles from Buffy in a particular episode and that stand alone fact would any A.I. sidekick jealous.

Although in this particular picture does look like he is about to be spit-roasted. And that was meant to sound positively disgusting. And on that note I is finishing.

Best jobs to have

This lucky chap had the fortune of being sent to the moon. Highlights of such a job must clearly be being launched into space by the Saturn 5 Rocket. Descending to the moon in the LEM, then actually working on the surface. Then on the return trip he got to experience re-entry(sounds rude missus) and then finally splashdown. Also just check the view of the Earth from the picture. This guy is one of the few people who has travelled to the furthest reaches and also has the luck to tell his children and grandchildren stories of walking on another world and doesn't sound like a complete lunatic (no pun intended) doing it. Lucky BASTARD. Not only did they provide him with transport to the moon they gave him a company car when he got there.

This car came with video cameras as standard, aluminium chasis, long before car manufacturers used it. 4 wheel drive. Also whilst in space NASA paid living expenses on top of his wage. They also provided him with all the food needed for such exploration.

Uglies that live in the garden

This bad boy was on the patio at my parents house one evening and I had to photograph it. Cos it is one ugly bastard and it was bigger than it looks in this photo. And it didn't make a sound, but it frightened the b'jesus out of me when I went out for a smoke.