Eat your heart out Capello

The Best England Team Ever?

 

With the appalling performance of the so called England football team at the World Cup I think it is about time to name the best England Team of all time.

Without doubt the keeper's spot has to be Gordon Banks. The four players in front of him Bobby Moore Stuart Pearce Terry Butcher and Jack Charlton

In the midfield I would have Paul Gascoigne Steven Gerrard Chris Waddle and possibly Glen Hoddle pre religious extremism days of course. Up front is a toss up between Gary 'gentleman' Lineker and Bobby Charlton. Or Alan 'receding hairline' Shearer and Michael Owen pre-injury days naturally.

But who could possibly manage this motley crew? Kevin Keegan is a no-no and Graham Taylor would not like my team selection. Terry Venables past would haunt any possibility of being team coach. So that leaves just two possibilities Sir Alf and Sir Bobby. The only way to settle this question would be to put them both in a cage and let them fight to the death. Cruel you might be thinking but if the players were to witness that spectacle it might make them more likely to win. To give them the bull dog fighting spirit.

This team could quite possibly win the World Cup.

Carlsberg do not do Fantasy Football team blogs but if they did........

 

Yes that is right this was all a clumsy set up for an electronic prank.

When I was a kid

Time for me to get all nostalgic. Yesterday I was daydreaming about everything I remembered about my childhood. Mostly good things so I am going to rant about the things I enjoyed most about growing up. And some of the gadgets we had back then that we don't have today.

Children's Television.

Here are my top five T.V. programs that are no longer aired except with the possibility of some of the cable channels. The first thing I miss is Phillip Schofield in the broom cupboard with Gordon the Gopher.

1. Teenage Mutant Ninja/Hero Turtles which had a really catchy theme tune.
   
2. Fantastic Max the superhero baby.
   
3. Jamie and the Magic Torch
   
4. Maid Marian and her Merrymen a bit too sophisticated for children at the time. It had a very subtle sense of humour.
   
5. Going Live with the aforementioned Mr. Schofield I particularly remember a cooking segment where Emma Forbes almost barbecued Gordon the Gopher and of coarse who could forget Trevor and Simon.
   

Quiz Shows

Next my memory of the quiz shows that we used to watch sometimes at the weekend and sometimes they were on during the week.

1. Chegger's Plays Pop
   
2. Mike Reid's Pop Quiz
   
3. Telly Addicts
   
4. Fifteen to One
   
5. And I wonder if any of you can remember Screen Test.
   

Next I think I should mention the popular Radio 1 DJ's of the time. I remember the breakfast show being hosted by Simon Mayo. Jackie Brambles who is now one of the regulars on Loose Women. The bush bearded Dave Lee Travis. This was all in the days where computers, playstations (and games consoles in general) were not a part of everyday living. So as children we had to make our own entertainment. Other things we did which you don't see anymore, kids building go-karts with rope for a steering wheel. Playing board games seems to have died out. And I can still remember black and white TVs. The other simple things like playing cards don't seem to happen. Top Trumps was really popular and collecting sticker albums for the football season, although at the last world cup some colleagues and myself did the 2006 album which I completed.

Popular films of the day were Star Wars and the Indiana Jones movies both of which have made comebacks still capture the imagination. I miss Film???? With Barry Norman who is far better the Jonathon Ross. Star Wars figures but they returned. Action Man is he still around me no not. Do people still play trivial pursuit, scrabble and monopoly? On the last day of term at primary school is there still a toy day?

The gadgets and electronic toys I remember are:-

1. The Donkey Kong Games
   
2. The BBC computer
   
3. That games console that had the twisting controls and that strange tennis game. Can't remember what it was called.
   
4. Watch Calculators and Radio Watches.
   
5. Top Loading Video Recorders with remote controls that had a lead that plugged into the machine. And Beta-max.
   
6. Music cassettes and vinyl discs that had b-sides on them.
   

And now that we have a twenty four hour television service I miss the test card that was on the telly before BBC1 or BBC2 started transmitting its programs. I even miss Saint and Greaves doing their Saturday football round up. The no more than 2 foreign players being allowed in a football team playing in Europe. Murray Walker's commentating on the Grand Prix, Des Lynam on Grandstand. I have fond memories of the classic sketch shows like Harry Enfield and Chum's, KYTV Spitting Image, Blackadder and the Young Ones. I have knowledge that they are all probably available on DVD but I still miss it.

The novelty record releases that don't seem to happen anymore except that fucking awful frog on the motorcycle. Who remembers Doctor Who in the Tardis song, Star Trekking Across the Universe?

Is trans world sport still transmitted?

The car stereos with those great big buttons for changing stations. Television sets that used to have the winder for tuning them. Typewriters they have died out but people would often use them; they had those wonderful ribbons on them that were half black and half red. Stamps that had to be licked they are gone. Other things like Yo-Yo's do children still have them? I can also remember telephones that had to be dialled and were all standard issue from BT the cases were probably made from Bakelite. National Health Glasses I remember the great big plastic frames that they had. The list goes on and on but I do not have the time to elaborate further.

The Dumbest Things Heard or Read

This is kind of a follow up to my posting on famous last words. The theme of which is as entitled. After being back at college for the last six months albeit on a part time basis I never cease to be flabbergasted at some of the things I hear people say. But I suppose I should start this essay with the earliest dumb things that my ears have had to endure.

Going back probably ten years or so when I was as the Americans say a bus boy in the kitchen. Our boss took us all to one side and said that he had given us all a 3% pay increase which was all well and good. Then after he left the kitchen the person I shall name Girl asked what "IS A PERCENT?" now I thought that was quite a dumb thing to say, but the longer I worked with her it appeared the dumber she got. One of the chaps who worked in the bar had been to some do or another and was suited and booted. So I went from the bar to the kitchen and said "(Name left out) is sat in the bar wearing his whistle and flute". And Girl went down to the bar and came back and said "HE IS NOT WEARING A WHISTLE AND FLUTE, HE'S GOT A SUIT ON".

In another work related issue one of the customers who I shall just name as Moron was getting on his soap box at the time of the last foot and mouth outbreak. He was complaining about all the smoke from the pyres that were burning the corpses of the cattle. And had I not been there to hear it for myself I wouldn't have believed it. He said "YOU DON'T SEE THEM BURNING ANY COWS IN LONDON" to which I showed that statement the contempt it deserved by responding to it with the retort "THAT'S BECAUSE THERE ARE NO FUCKING COWS IN LONDON." Then there was another occasion when some of the locals and I were discussing the pros and cons of the internet. Moron said "WELL I THINK THE INTERNET IS A PASSING FAD THAT WON'T CATCH ON". Now if I were to tell you that Girl and Moron were shagging each other it would probably come as no surprise, after all like is attracted to like. That old saying familiarity breed's contempt is wrong. It should be familiarity just breeds.

Then at about the time that Tony Blair won his first general election Moron was complaining about the way in which the new government would ruin countryside living complaining about the fox hunting ban Moron said these Westminster types have no clue about what goes on here. And that it was a shame that more people didn't vote Conservative. After having just complained about this he was asked which way he had voted. Moron said "I NEVER VOTED". Unbelievably dumb I think you will agree.

On Monday at college when I was waiting in line to get a coffee the two youngsters in front of me were talking about their weekend. One of them was upset that his girlfriend had just left him and he couldn't understand what he had done wrong. When his mate asked why she had split up with him his response was as dumb as it was stupefying, he said "SHE WALKED IN ON ME WHILE I WAS GETTING A BLOW JOB OF HER BEST MATE". It was either stupidity or arrogance on his part that he didn't see what he had done wrong. But I think it was a combination of the two.

But without a shadow of a doubt over the last five years the dumbest thing that I have ever read was a statement made by a member of the acting community. It was regarding the recent story about Roman Polanski. I think you no where I am going with this. It was the statement I read in one of the national newspapers and it was a quote from Whoopi Goldberg when referring to the allegations of child rape. The quote read "WELL IT WASN'T RAPE, RAPE WAS IT". That would be and is the equivalent of describing the holocaust as "WELL IT WASN'T GENOSIDE, GENOSIDE WAS IT". I am all for people rallying around their peer groups, but had that been own of their own whose daughter had been raped there would have been a call to arms against him. Unless I am mistaken there can not be anything more stupid than that. Even with long research I don't think I could top that statement.

And remember people try to think about what you say. Think before you engage your mouth because you never no, it could be you who becomes the subject of a blog. Or message on Facebook or even the topic of discussion on Twitter. For the obvious reasons the names of the people described in this story have been left out. Not for regard of their feelings but for the fact I wish I hadn't heard these statements and in some cases met these people.

So in closing I will leave with a statement that was on of my best friends sayings "IF YOU CAN'T LEAVE QUIETLY JUST LEAVE."

Snooker World Cup 2010

As this weekend is the start of the action term used loosely here at The Crucible Theatre for the snooker world championship. In spite of the fact that this game is played in doors and doesn't have action in the classic sense of the word, it is a sport for which I admire its participants. The game when it is played properly is an art form, delicate touch the application of side screw or top for positional play, knowing the geometry of the table, natural angles and so on. The players always having to think three four or five shots ahead. Making adjustments when break building. Then if it all goes wrong finding a decent safety shot.

Not only is this sport a highly skilful one but it has a level playing field, unlike The Premiership in football where you can predict who the top four teams will to a probability of 90%. All the players have the same starting point, a stick, a piece of chalk and a table with 22 balls on. The top sixteen players qualify automatically for it which leaves another sixteen places up for any person who makes it through the qualifiers. Never knowing who the final four places will be contested by.

But the thing I enjoy the most about it has to be the fact that Rocket Ronnie is an absolute pleasure to watch. Adept with both hands his break building skills and natural ability are second to none if he could only get his mental attitude right he would be unstoppable. But let's not forget John Higgins on his day plays beautiful and creative snooker.

The only downside to the whole show that the Crucible is the fact that the BBC will insist on putting a microphone in the hand of that fucking northern cock John Virgo. At the UK championship I watched a frame of snooker (can't remember who was playing) and of the fifteen ideas for shot selections he came up with only two were right. He won't shut up either and he's got one of those accents that cut through your skin like a blunt samurai sword. Is the beeb being PC? Fulfilling it's quota for presenters from all areas of the country, with which I have no problem but in the name of Steve Davis couldn't they get someone who no what they are chatting about. Sorry went off topic there. But that motherfucker makes my yogurt go off.

All in all the coverage by the BBC is excellent the commentary team is generally good with one exception (see above). Favourites include Denis Taylor, Ken Doherty, and Mr. 147 himself Willie Thorne. Then the between frame coverage or the back room team with the legends that are Parrott and Davis, accompanied by Hazel Irving and that bloke that presents the football league show whose name escapes me.

I suppose all that is left to do is to make my own humble prediction. The last four players in my opinion will be John Higgins, Rocket Ronnie, and Mark Williams and with any luck Stephen Hendry. But time will bare me out on this. As for the overall winner I will not say because it is so hard to choose. This blog has ended in a completely different place from whence it started, was going to talk about all he legends of the game but the train of thought got consumed by my unyielding detestation for allowing Virgo on our TV sets. Damn your squint fucking commentators eye, you've sapped any intelligent thought process I had at the start of this essay. I forgot to mention Hawkeye and how that better helps the viewer understand the wonderful game double DAMN!!

Extreme Political Organisations

Should The BNP Be Given A Public Forum?

With the recent revelations that the BNP is asking for public money to fund it's campaign in the next general election, which is of course reprehensible to most people. They should be trying to raise the money for themselves. And realistically they will not make much impact on the political scene at a national level. No self respecting voter with any Judo-Christian ethics would ever bring themselves to vote for a bigoted and misguided party anyway. The real question is should parties such as the BNP be allowed to put candidates forward for election into public office?

Regrettably the answer to this question is yes. Any person whose views no matter how disgusting most good thinking people find them are afforded this very right. They should also be allowed to speak at public forums to get their message across, with the proviso they don't incite their followers to take violent action to get what they want. This is the most fundamental thing that our grandparent's generation suffered so much privation and hardship for, the right of a free press and the freedom of speech of the country's citizens and free and fair elections.

To allow anything other than this would dishonour the memory of the fallen in both past and present conflicts. To bar a political organisation from entering into the political process would be a violation of the right to freedom of speech, and would make this nation no better than any other state that imposes dictatorial rule over its citizens. In all honesty it is better to hear the ranting of a right wing fool, than to be arrested for vocalising your opinions in public.

We should allow this to happen not because we agree with these parties, but that it makes us better tolerant people for doing so. It also sends a clear message to those who want suppress and mute their citizens that we practise what we preach. No matter how morally wrong the policies of such a party might be. If we were living under a different regime this very transmission would not be permitted. And when the leader of the BNP appeared on the BBC's Question Time he came across exactly as what everybody thought he was a mindless buffoon with an extremely low moral constitution, if any at all.

In closing it is testament to our society and system of government that we allow these foolish parties to be given a forum with which to air their opinions and grievances. And it is the best way in which we can honour the memory of those brave soles who died fighting for freedom in Europe and the South Pacific. Otherwise it would have been a pointless waste of life and a waste of resources on a global scale.

American Song Writing Legends

Is A Dream A Lie If It Don't Come True

Today I have spent the last few hours listening to one of the best song writers of the past fifty years. Namely Bob Dylan. Granted he doesn't have the best of voices, but the words he voices can be exceptional. The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carol which he wrote at a very tender age was inciteful and describes the injustices in the American legal system. You who philosifize disgrace and criticise all fears etc...

Then there is the surrealist phase of his the lyrics to Mr. Tambourine Man in the jingle jangle morning as he was spinning madly across the sun. Then the darker songs such as The Gates of Eden have haunting lyrics. Then there's the Woody Gutherie inspired tunes such as Ramblin' Gamblin Willie who gambled in the railroad yards and the whitehouse too. His rendering of the songs from the depression era, from which the protest movement grew, a time when there was really something to protest against.

But his land mark song has to be Like A Rollin' Stone not only are the lyrics incredible but the song is the perfect example of using bass runs of a chosen key to the best effect. You used to be so amused by Napolean in rags and the language that he used.

People such as Springsteen can write greats songs too. The Ghost of Tom Joad is a great ballad. Lyrics such as "you ain't a beauty but hey your alright" from Thunder Road. And the headline to this post from The River is both imaginative and thought provoking. Then with Born to Run he set two lovers out on the road to see where their journey would take them. Beyond the palace hemi-powered drones scream down the boulevard. Other songs that are critiques of American society and their war machine, songs like Youngstown and Born in the USA. Then with songs like Promised Land he looks forward to a brighter future.

This won’t take five minutes

Famous Last Words

"It will only take a couple of minutes" is something my father says when he wants me to do a job for him. Which always has me thinking yeah famous last words? So I thought I would do some research into some things that people have said before dying.

The most obvious one that came to mind was "Et tu Brute" which were supposedly Caesar's last words. "The earth is suffocating... swear to make them cut me open so that I won't be buried alive" these were Frederick Chopin's last words.

Some of the quotes I found were interesting, strange and sometimes comical. "They couldn't hit an elephant from that dist..." Was General Sedgwick Union commander 1864. This falls into the latter category.

Churchill was heard to have said "I'm bored with it all "before slipping into a coma that he never awoke from. Other famous leaders' last words: - "I know you have come to kill me. Shoot coward, you are only going to kill a man." Che Guevara's final rambling.

More poetically Stonewall Jackson's final words were "Let us cross the river and sit in the shade of the trees". Spoken after being shot by friendly fire. Malcolm X said to his three assassins "Let's cool it my brothers"

Other last words that I liked were. "Here I am dying of a hundred good symptoms" Alexander Pope.

"I have a terrific headache" Franklin D. Roosevelt before dying of a cerebral haemorrhage.

"Sister you're trying to keep me alive as an old curiosity, but I'm done, I'm finished, I'm going to die" spoken by George Bernard Shaw to his nurse. Trotsky's last words in 1940 were "I feel here, that this time they have succeeded" after several assassination attempts.

"I've had eighteen straight whiskies; I think that's the record...." Dylan Thomas's last words.

"Woe is me, I think I am turning into a god" Emperor Vespasian's final words. My favourite last words come from Pancho Villa the Mexican Revolutionary "Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said nothing". Oscar Wilde's last words were simply "Either that wallpaper goes or I do". The best last words from an American president were George Washington's "I die hard but am not afraid to go"

My history teacher said to me once always end an essay with a quote because somebody has already written better than you.

"GO ON GET OUT. LAST WORDS ARE FOR FOOLS WHO HAVEN'T SAID ENOUGH" Karl Marx.

The IT Crowd

Returning to Education

 

After being out of work I decided to go back to school and get some qualifications in IT. Thinking that I may be too old to learn new things I was surprised to see a lot of older folk there to, all eager to get with the IT crowd.

 

Some of the students at the college are like me people out of work getting qualifications that can help get them back into the workforce. But there are some people there who are retired and want to learn the basics, getting connected to the internet and writing and sending email. People who have, had no experience with computers.

 

As I haven't been in the education system for a while I was quite surprised to see just how much things have changed in the college. The library at the Filton campus is most impressive. It has as you would expect an extensive collection of books and there is of course plenty of computer terminals as you would expect. But libraries have changed since I was a child this place was buzzing and quite noisy. It did say over the door that quiet conversation is allowed but when that is multiplied on fifty to sixty tables it does get pretty loud. Bizarrely though there was a section marked as the "quiet area" which was completely empty.

 

There is also something else to be noted the noise in the library not called this anymore it is now a Learning Resource Centre. The noise was made doubly irritating by the fact that the Bristolian is the worst thing that my ears had to endure. Imagine a hundred Gareth Chilcott's all talking at the same time nuff said.